l.o.l. :)

over the past few years i’ve observed myself becoming more and more reserved in most social settings.

i used to cry all the time but i honestly think now i’ve cried once in the past 2 years.

it seems like all my emotions went into hiding. i never express sadness or anger. i only express happiness when i’m under an influence.

i adopt silliness as a way to manage my omnipresent awkward, out-of-place-ness and buffer my real feelings.

yet i simultaneously am that chick who’s always so uptight that she can never seem to just enjoy the moment–my head is in the clouds.

i’m not myself.

along the way when i was making one of those “wrong turns” erykah badu talks about, i lost my personality somewhere. not my self. i’m still me. but me in hiding.

so the culmination of the above results in me feeling like i’ve erected some impenetrable, transparent brick bubble inside of which i live my life.

i’m afraid to feel too strongly about anything.

certitude hasn’t done anything for me for a long while.

i can’t remember the last time i’ve felt anything strongly–except fear. i am constantly more, or less anxious. i am afraid to open up.

i wonder how to rectify this.