being selfish

two close friends of mine are going through things with their significant others and i just cannot engage those conversations or those thoughts right now.

i still feel upset for so many reasons.  it’s not the dude, himself.  it’s knowing i got fucked over, and not even knowing the full extent to how, and being clueless about how or why it even happened.  it bothers me because i’m not a dumb person, nor was i acting in an unrealistic, fairytale manner.  huhhhhh i don’t know.  it takes me to a dark, sensitive place where i completely question my ability to trust myself (which actually doesn’t make sense, because in this case trusting myself led me to the correct conclusion), and the ability to ever have a healthy, romantic relationship…or what is it about my energy that is attracting this type of bullshit to me, & what kind of fundamental changes are necessary so that i project a different energy, and is there any such thing as a healthy relationship anyway,  would i rather end up alone or in a fucked up relationship, etc, etc, etc…

i just feel so tired of everything.  i’m trying not to dwell on anything…

i don’t know what would make me feel better.

i’m trying to push myself to just keep working on the things i’m working on…but where is that light at the end of the tunnel to assure me that if i just endure this time of darkness, i’ll eventually see the daylight?

sometimes i just want to crawl into a hole…because i am that tired, and that ambivalent about everything.

but i definitely cannot listen to people in their relationship angst.  if you’re happy, stick with it.  if you’re not happy but you don’t want to leave, then stay.  if you’re unhappy and you don’t wanna stay, then leave.  if you’re unsure, then wait til you’ve come to a decision.

that’s the only contribution i can make to those conversations.  and no one wants to hear that.

i feel so tired.  even sleep is not a release because i either have a crazy ass dream, or when i wake up i realize nothing is any better than it was when i closed my eyes.

lol @ me.  being depressed is so cliche.

i guess things could always get worse.  but i sure hope they get better…

in other news, i’m back to celibacy.  i guess i’m back to the 15 year old me who thinks sex should co-exist with other things, like trust, honesty, committment, respect, fun, romance, attraction, friendship…

i feel like in every day life, sex goes hand-in-hand with objectification.  to borrow from audre lourde, i think sex and sexualization of other people is so pornographic and obscures the fact that the object of your attraction is a PERSON, and that they are more than a vagina/penis/mouth/anus, and more than their packaging…but this is another *person* you are immersing yourself in.

i haven’t had sooooooooooooooo much sex, but i definitely think i’ve learned the function of sex purely for enjoyment.  i’m hoping there is a higher function of sex (other than pro-creation) and i would like to learn that higher function, but i’m working from the assumption that when the situation presents itself for me to learn that higher lesson, i will recognize it.

until then…”no entry”.

but when i get some $ i may buy a couple new toys