putting myself out there.

Sometimes I get in these modes, where I don’t even want to give voice to my thoughts because I don’t want to acknowledge my vulnerability.

But…

I want him to love me. I don’t know who I’m trying to fool. I’m not all the way “gone” yet. I’m still waiting to get to a certain point where I can feel like I’m justified in this desire. Right now it’s just a pleasant possibility.

In reality, I’m not going to put myself in the position where I act in the expectation that the fantasy I’ve created will come true with time. Not that I’ve ever really done that—I came close to it but then I soon realized that shit was not about to pop and deaded the situation. It was depressing for a few weeks but not devastating. We’re cool now.

He says that at this point, he doesn’t see himself loving me. But that that could change.

Out of context that could really sound asshole-ish, but in context it just sounded like the truth.

And I have a deep appreciation for the truth.

I guess it’s come to the point where I feel like I should take a stand. It’s funny because I wouldn’t know how to define specific actions or a specific feeling as “love”. But I do know that I want to be loved, and deserved to be…so if that’s not what he sees himself doing then…I have to keep it moving. The thought of that makes me sad, because I was really feeling him. Thinking about ending things makes me so sad. Because I feel an attachment to him, because I like sex with him, because of what I thought we could be to each other, but mostly just because I really feel good spending time with him. I don’t feel like things are forced, it actually feels really organic. But…I don’t know what he feels.

If people were static creatures, this situation would be all good. Because it would be fine for me to just keep enjoying his company, enjoying the affection, the sex, the conversation, etc…

But people are not static; we’re dynamic.

And if I’m spending so much time with a person, thinking about a person, having sex with a person, talking through issues with a person…I want it to be because this is the process of building a foundation towards a meaningful relationship. Not that things have to last forever. And if you asked me how to define the relationship that I want, I wouldn’t necessarily have a clear answer. But…after awhile, I definitely want commitment.

And if that’s not where he’s at, I get that. I mean we’ve been talking since October, and I still feel like we don’t really know each other. For my part, I was really ambivalent about him for most of that time. I enjoyed being around him most of the time, but I didn’t feel an investment in maintaining a presence in each other’s lives. I can’t even say that I feel a great investment in that now, but I at least am open to trying or seeing if that can be a possibility.

I really, honestly, truly, have no idea how he feels.

Thinking about it makes my stomach hurt, because I feel like he’s not going to be on the same page and it makes me feel sick to feel like I’ve invested so much thought and emotion into the situation lately, just for it to result in nothing.

It’s not even emotion and thought in him per se, it’s just…when I met him…I was not at ALL looking for a relationship. When I met him, I didn’t even really look at him. Even like after we had had sex a few times…I of course knew what he looked like, but like…I didn’t have an appreciation for his features. I basically assessed that he was “alright” enough to fuck, and proceeded to do so.

And I feel bad, because even though I want to justify it, and say that its’ a phase most people go through at least once, & say “hey, well he had agency in the situation too…he didn’t have go be down for it”… I still feel bad that initially I just wanted to use him for my enjoyment. I mean one could argue he was “using” me too, but…anyway…

That’s just the space I was in at the time. I was not open to trusting someone, or making adjustments to accommodate someone new, or getting to know anybody, or having to do relationship maintenance…none of that appealed to me. And my trust level of was at negative 100 to the third power. I just wanted to have fun.

So for me to bust a complete 180, and go from the space where the idea of a relationship made me nauseous, to where I am now: feeling like the next relationship I’m in (with or without him) is going to be some shit I believe will last and is worth my while, based on a solid foundation…I had to do a whole lot of emotional rewiring. And though I’m grateful to have had the opportunity to do so, that shit has really been exhausting.

Exhale.

But. I’ve grown a lot in the past few months. And if nothing else, I am genuinely thankful for that.

…I don’t know what I’m going to do…There have been conversations. Possibilities have been considered (maybe we should just be friends). Discussed. Discarded. The limbo of uncertainty has continued. And it’s old to me now.

I really hope no one feels the need to give me advice. I’m not asking for any. I am 90% sure I don’t want or need it.

ANYWAY…

I feel sick and cold, so I’m gonna hopefully watch a significant amount of “The Other Boelyn Girl” on Netflix Instant before I doze off.