purging oneself of negative energy & paulo coelho

The Cruelty Exercise
Every time a thought comes to mind that makes
you feel bad about yourself – jealousy, self pity,
envy, hatred, and so on – do the following:
Dig the nail of your index finger into the cuticle of
the thumb of the same hand until it becomes quite
painful. Concentrate on the pain: it is a physical
reflection of the suffering you are going through
spiritually. Ease the pressure only when the cruel
thought has gone.
Repeat this as many times as necessary until the
thought has left you, even if this means digging
your fingernail into your thumb over and over. Each
time, it will take longer for the cruel thought to
return, and eventually it will disappear altogether,
so long as you do not fail to perform the exercise
every time it comes to mind.

the above is an excerpt from

the pilgramage, by paulo coelho.

this book is really interesting if you can dig self-help books, “new age spirituality”, or…believe in magic? anyway,  according to him, it is a truthful, abridged account of his journey on the path of santiago de compostela.  the book contains various exercises that are supposed to help one along the path of spiritual growth.

when i explained “the cruelty exercise” to a friend of mine, she was disturbed because she saw it as a form of self-flagellation.  but for me, it was extremely useful.  people who are generally positive and in a good state of mind may not see the necessity.  but i have to confess, that there is a lot of negative self-talk occurring in my brain.  and i’ve been so abusive to myself in my own thoughts for so long, that i really have to work hard to pay attention to catch it.  but this exercise helps, because causing myself a very mild physical pain 1) makes the negative thought goes away and 2) reminds me that just as i’m causing myself physical pain by pressing my nail into my cuticle, i cause myself psychic pain when i tell myself that i can’t do what i want to do.

so i don’t see it as self-flagellation at all, but really basic negative association.  negative thinking causes physical pain, i will think negatively less frequently until i eventually stop.   i think this is the point in the conversation where people would throw in a reference about pavlov and his dog(s).

i have been engaging in entirely too much negative self-talk lately.  so i will definitely be re-employing the cruelty exercise in my life.

back to paulo…he is both greatly heralded and greatly criticized.  i’ve definitely felt inspired by his books, and always feel that my heart is lighter after reading them.  but his critics call him a fraud, hypocrite, liar.    i prefer to reserve my judgment.  however, you can go to any book store, any where in the WORLD and you will find a catalogue of his works, in multiple languages.  you gotta respect that.

the alchemist is his most well-known book, and might genuinely be my favorite book in life.   other of my favorite books by him are

by the river piedra i sat down and wept,

veronika decides to die

the warrior of the light

he also has some books free for download at:  http://piratecoelho.wordpress.com/  to find the english versions, scroll all the way to the end of the list.

A warrior of light knows that certain moments repeat themselves.
He often finds himself faced by the same problems and situations, and
seeing these difficult situations return, he grows depressed, thinking that he is incapable of making any progress in life.
‘I’ve been through all this before,’ he says to his heart.
‘Yes, you have been through all this before,’ replies his heart. ‘But you have
never been beyond it.’
Then the warrior realises that these repeated experiences have but one
aim: to teach him what he does not want to learn.

–paulo coelho, the warrior of the light

being selfish

two close friends of mine are going through things with their significant others and i just cannot engage those conversations or those thoughts right now.

i still feel upset for so many reasons.  it’s not the dude, himself.  it’s knowing i got fucked over, and not even knowing the full extent to how, and being clueless about how or why it even happened.  it bothers me because i’m not a dumb person, nor was i acting in an unrealistic, fairytale manner.  huhhhhh i don’t know.  it takes me to a dark, sensitive place where i completely question my ability to trust myself (which actually doesn’t make sense, because in this case trusting myself led me to the correct conclusion), and the ability to ever have a healthy, romantic relationship…or what is it about my energy that is attracting this type of bullshit to me, & what kind of fundamental changes are necessary so that i project a different energy, and is there any such thing as a healthy relationship anyway,  would i rather end up alone or in a fucked up relationship, etc, etc, etc…

i just feel so tired of everything.  i’m trying not to dwell on anything…

i don’t know what would make me feel better.

i’m trying to push myself to just keep working on the things i’m working on…but where is that light at the end of the tunnel to assure me that if i just endure this time of darkness, i’ll eventually see the daylight?

sometimes i just want to crawl into a hole…because i am that tired, and that ambivalent about everything.

but i definitely cannot listen to people in their relationship angst.  if you’re happy, stick with it.  if you’re not happy but you don’t want to leave, then stay.  if you’re unhappy and you don’t wanna stay, then leave.  if you’re unsure, then wait til you’ve come to a decision.

that’s the only contribution i can make to those conversations.  and no one wants to hear that.

i feel so tired.  even sleep is not a release because i either have a crazy ass dream, or when i wake up i realize nothing is any better than it was when i closed my eyes.

lol @ me.  being depressed is so cliche.

i guess things could always get worse.  but i sure hope they get better…

in other news, i’m back to celibacy.  i guess i’m back to the 15 year old me who thinks sex should co-exist with other things, like trust, honesty, committment, respect, fun, romance, attraction, friendship…

i feel like in every day life, sex goes hand-in-hand with objectification.  to borrow from audre lourde, i think sex and sexualization of other people is so pornographic and obscures the fact that the object of your attraction is a PERSON, and that they are more than a vagina/penis/mouth/anus, and more than their packaging…but this is another *person* you are immersing yourself in.

i haven’t had sooooooooooooooo much sex, but i definitely think i’ve learned the function of sex purely for enjoyment.  i’m hoping there is a higher function of sex (other than pro-creation) and i would like to learn that higher function, but i’m working from the assumption that when the situation presents itself for me to learn that higher lesson, i will recognize it.

until then…”no entry”.

but when i get some $ i may buy a couple new toys

freaking out

i had an internal panic attack at the Miramar Library, during which i came very close to tears. the catalyst was my next steps forward in the whole applying to grad school process.

i need more recommendations. and i fell into a well of self-doubt. would the professors i ask remember me? would they respond favorably? were their e-mail addresses still accurate? would they respond at all? what if lacking a single recommendation stood between me and my acceptance into graduate school this fall? how could i write the perfect letter to keep busy people reading and willing to assist me?

it was just a complete lack of trust in my ability or worthiness of seeing success…

which i think was precipitated by recent developments in my personal life.

i have to vent.

i’m very frustrated. the guy i was dating turned out to be a complete asshole. and while i can only trip so hard (i mean, it was just a couple of months and it’s not like i lost myself in trying to maintain a relationship with him), i’m still like what the fuck? it’s not like i threw myself at him and said please love me, please be with me, and wouldn’t take no for an answer.
obviously i have in mind an ideal relationship i would like to have. but i never tried to create that with him. all i wanted from him was honesty, and mutual enjoyment of each other’s company. and if from that an emotional bond or friendship arose i was fine with that, but i never tried to force it, as far as i can judge. all i asked for was honesty. i never asked for exclusivity. just honesty. if we’re just fucking, we’re just fucking. if we’re friends with benefits, we’re friends with benefits. if we’re just dating to have a good time, we’re doing that. i told him from the beginning, i wasn’t even looking for a relationship, definitely not a serious one, and definitely not an exclusive one.
i wasn’t needy. i didn’t ask him to do shit for me. i wasn’t calling him every 5 seconds, or asking him why he didn’t call me every 5 seconds. if he went out, i didn’t get jealous. when i went out, i didn’t try to make him go everywhere i went. we got into a couple arguments. mostly over bruised egos and hurt feelings. i thought that was kinda normal, because it was never over anything extreme. and especially since he left me with the illusion that he was trying to be serious, i thought it was part of the process of becoming emotionally involved with someone.
wrong.
instead, it was all some bullshit that i will probably never understand, because i don’t care enough to try to understand.

and like i said, i’m not overly upset about it because 1) it didn’t last that long and 2) i truly did learn a lot from the experience, and because of that i can say i’m better off for it.  and not only that, but i really did enjoy a lot of the times so…

what i’m most bothered by are the following things

1) i hate when people do things to hurt other people, for no reason.  he honestly did not have to lie.  he could have been truthful and we could have had the exact same relationship.  or maybe we wouldn’t have, but that’s my choice.  what right does a person have to try to force you to be in a situation that you would never be in, if you had a clearer picture of what was going on?

2) i just moved to miami.  i have way more acquaintances than i would have, through my friend who has lived here for 3-4 years. but i don’t have many friends (this is another source of frustration for me, which i’m probably going to vent about later).  so me and him started talking, he seemed like a decent guy, doing things with his life…he led me on with the whole “well no matter what, i want to be your friend line” and since i need friends i was like oh ok, this could be cool…and i basically just opened myself up to us having some kind of relationship.  because he said that was what he wanted.  that’s the part i don’t get.  i was totally 100% open to having a purely sexual relationship.  he isn’t the 1st person i’ve had that with, i’ve done it before and it’s worked out just fine.  no feelings to get hurt, just fun when it’s convenient.  this is actually the situation that i wanted.  i don’t get why he would put effort into convincing me that he wanted more and was willing to work for more…just to insult me and my intelligence at the end…sigh.  i could keep going down this road…

but it’s only been like 3 weeks past the point where i thought to myself:  hmmm…perhaps this isn’t going to work? and started doubting his character.  so…other people stay past that point for months.  years.  i mean shit, i have.

so, i’m proud of myself.

but i guess i take a little extra offense…yeah, facebook is involved.  so basically he did some things to his page…which would make any logical person be like “oh wtf.”  perhaps he thought i was so gone off him, i was past logic.  *wrong*  but then you know how people are quick to say “it’s just facebook.”…um…yeah.

oh wait before that, there was a the v-day fiasco.  that was when blatant insult occurred.  then there was more blatant insult via facebook.  then there was further blatant insult when he tried to act like everything was normal (????) and then tried to run game (I really wanted to see you–sigh) and then when i was like yeah, no, then…he tried to play me like i was dumb (insert: it’s just facebook)…and i know i didn’t really give any details.  but i give my word…it was all some super insulting, bitch nigga shit.

the insulting part is just that he would think that i have such low self-esteem that i would just excuse/overlook/continue to accept/welcome that shit.  it’s 1 thing to disrespect me…but to act in a manner that presupposes i have no respect for myself???

sigh.

sooooo i told him to pretend i was dead.  i hope he does.

then i’m more generally annoyed with dating-ness in general…i dunno why but lately, every male that was ever or could ever have been anything to me has been trying to reconnect.   and i’m like why.   and i just have a negative attitude in general.  there is 1 guy…i would honestly say i had like a “magical” night with him (Could have been the liquor).  no sex but well…yeah.  and in general i thought he was a cool guy.  fun, polite, respectable, intelligent, charismatic…not the most attractive guy ever, but cute…and we are supposed to go out soon…and i feel turned off.  because i’m like…why?  and then to be honest, you know how gossip is…apparently he screwed over a friend of friend…so that makes it look worse.  i wish people were honest.  like i would be cool just being cool with him.  not having any type of sexual or romantic thing, just flirting and having fun.  sigh.

i also feel generally annoyed with the social aspect of my life.  i’m just not in the mood to be around anyone who can’t recognize, appreciate, and celebrate the good in me.  i know some people would say that’s setting a really high standard.  well…it’s mine.  i’m just not in the mood.  petty things that are easily overlook-able annoy the shit out of me right now, yet i don’t trust myself to confront anything and more than that, i just don’t give enough of a fuck to do so.  if you want to be inconsiderate, i don’t care.  i will ensure that i’m not around you and don’t have to encounter your lack of consideration.  same goes for judgment.  don’t need it, don’t want it, would never tell you to change, all i will say is see you later.

same for negative energy.  some people are like sooo negative.  to the point where you get the impression that they must be unhappy with themselves if they can never allow the next person to be happy.

same for people who appear to me to always be playing a role, always be “on”, or be so myopic that they can only repeat varied versions of the exact same conversations.

i’m just really not in the mood.  so.  i’m in cocoon mode.  where the only people i interact with are those whom i absolutely positively want to interact with, in the manner and at the frequency that i feel most comfortable.

i feel stuck in a rut, but i just have to ride out this particular rut by doing what it takes to get out of it (the grad school thing)…and i’ll probably feel much better.

another thing: selfishly or not, doing for others often makes me feel better.  so i’m looking for some tutoring places to volunteer for…i really do miss working with young adults, even though they are the messiest age to work with, because they are so all over the place.  maybe that’s why i like working with them; i relate.

so.  once i start that, i’m sure i’ll feel happier.  i also started going to Universal Truth Center.  I still am not completely 100% comfortable with some of the things said, but I have felt better about myself and more motivated both times that i left the service.  So yeah…look at that.  isis is going to church! lol.

going to the gym has made me feel good about myself too.  i’m going to an aerobics class tomorrow night. but i think for me, the strength training part is going to be more important than cardio because i’m not just trying to sweat fat away; i’m tryna make my legs, stomach, back, and arms stronger.

man i feel so much better after getting all that out.

my mom is so awesome.  she doesn’t even have to tell me when she’s prayed for me, because i feel it.  and i call her and tell her and she says “you know what, i sure did.”  i love her!

ok i have a totally new subject on my mind.  but that will be another post.

sigh

i’m blessed.  i’m good.

putting myself out there.

Sometimes I get in these modes, where I don’t even want to give voice to my thoughts because I don’t want to acknowledge my vulnerability.

But…

I want him to love me. I don’t know who I’m trying to fool. I’m not all the way “gone” yet. I’m still waiting to get to a certain point where I can feel like I’m justified in this desire. Right now it’s just a pleasant possibility.

In reality, I’m not going to put myself in the position where I act in the expectation that the fantasy I’ve created will come true with time. Not that I’ve ever really done that—I came close to it but then I soon realized that shit was not about to pop and deaded the situation. It was depressing for a few weeks but not devastating. We’re cool now.

He says that at this point, he doesn’t see himself loving me. But that that could change.

Out of context that could really sound asshole-ish, but in context it just sounded like the truth.

And I have a deep appreciation for the truth.

I guess it’s come to the point where I feel like I should take a stand. It’s funny because I wouldn’t know how to define specific actions or a specific feeling as “love”. But I do know that I want to be loved, and deserved to be…so if that’s not what he sees himself doing then…I have to keep it moving. The thought of that makes me sad, because I was really feeling him. Thinking about ending things makes me so sad. Because I feel an attachment to him, because I like sex with him, because of what I thought we could be to each other, but mostly just because I really feel good spending time with him. I don’t feel like things are forced, it actually feels really organic. But…I don’t know what he feels.

If people were static creatures, this situation would be all good. Because it would be fine for me to just keep enjoying his company, enjoying the affection, the sex, the conversation, etc…

But people are not static; we’re dynamic.

And if I’m spending so much time with a person, thinking about a person, having sex with a person, talking through issues with a person…I want it to be because this is the process of building a foundation towards a meaningful relationship. Not that things have to last forever. And if you asked me how to define the relationship that I want, I wouldn’t necessarily have a clear answer. But…after awhile, I definitely want commitment.

And if that’s not where he’s at, I get that. I mean we’ve been talking since October, and I still feel like we don’t really know each other. For my part, I was really ambivalent about him for most of that time. I enjoyed being around him most of the time, but I didn’t feel an investment in maintaining a presence in each other’s lives. I can’t even say that I feel a great investment in that now, but I at least am open to trying or seeing if that can be a possibility.

I really, honestly, truly, have no idea how he feels.

Thinking about it makes my stomach hurt, because I feel like he’s not going to be on the same page and it makes me feel sick to feel like I’ve invested so much thought and emotion into the situation lately, just for it to result in nothing.

It’s not even emotion and thought in him per se, it’s just…when I met him…I was not at ALL looking for a relationship. When I met him, I didn’t even really look at him. Even like after we had had sex a few times…I of course knew what he looked like, but like…I didn’t have an appreciation for his features. I basically assessed that he was “alright” enough to fuck, and proceeded to do so.

And I feel bad, because even though I want to justify it, and say that its’ a phase most people go through at least once, & say “hey, well he had agency in the situation too…he didn’t have go be down for it”… I still feel bad that initially I just wanted to use him for my enjoyment. I mean one could argue he was “using” me too, but…anyway…

That’s just the space I was in at the time. I was not open to trusting someone, or making adjustments to accommodate someone new, or getting to know anybody, or having to do relationship maintenance…none of that appealed to me. And my trust level of was at negative 100 to the third power. I just wanted to have fun.

So for me to bust a complete 180, and go from the space where the idea of a relationship made me nauseous, to where I am now: feeling like the next relationship I’m in (with or without him) is going to be some shit I believe will last and is worth my while, based on a solid foundation…I had to do a whole lot of emotional rewiring. And though I’m grateful to have had the opportunity to do so, that shit has really been exhausting.

Exhale.

But. I’ve grown a lot in the past few months. And if nothing else, I am genuinely thankful for that.

…I don’t know what I’m going to do…There have been conversations. Possibilities have been considered (maybe we should just be friends). Discussed. Discarded. The limbo of uncertainty has continued. And it’s old to me now.

I really hope no one feels the need to give me advice. I’m not asking for any. I am 90% sure I don’t want or need it.

ANYWAY…

I feel sick and cold, so I’m gonna hopefully watch a significant amount of “The Other Boelyn Girl” on Netflix Instant before I doze off.

onto the physical realm

i didn’t wanna say this but…

i think my love of chai…

has overtaken *dun duh DUHHH* my love of reese’s cups.  i know.  i can’t believe it either.

maybe one day i can get paid for blogging by doing strategic product placements!

chai is really amazing.  especially with just a little vanilla soy milk.  mmmmhmm.

ok i now have an epic-length “to do” list so i guess i should get to that.

i hope someone reads this and comments because i REALLY need music suggestions…listening to the radio is toxic.

songs, artists, albums, podcasts…please send them my way.

in the mean time, i’m groovin to the old favorites:

definitely not a conclusive list, but les nubians, erykah badu, floetry, jill scott, musiq, & frankie beverly and maze, coldplay…i’m always in the mood for them.

*note to self:  given that maze & frankie beverly are probably my favorite group of all time…i really need to go see them in concert ASAP

reboot

With this blog, I hope to accomplish a few things:

1. Self-expression that leads to mental, emotional, and spiritual clarity

2. Hone a particular set of writing skills

3. Get into the habit of writing every day

4. Share my thoughts and myself with certain friends of mine, which would hopefully lead to exchanging thoughts and ideas…because you can get a lot out of a simple conversation.

But first…

I have to get this off my chest:

I never really write about my spirituality. But since I just had a great prayer session in the bathtub, that’s today’s subject.

I am really really thankful right now. I just prayed. And it felt so good. Some people would find it surprising that I would say this. Because I don’t go to church (reasons: ask me why I can give you plenty).

Because I believe in human rights, and gay people, bi people, the incarcerated, alcoholics, drug addicts, prostitutes, racists, atheists, extremists, polyamorists, pedophiles, rapists, people who have committed murder, refugees, illegal aliens, the illiterate, people with mental and/or emotional “disorders” and transgendered people are all “human” to me.*

Because I believe that there are many paths to “God”, truth, goodness, enlightenment, peace, love, joy, whatever you want to call it…and some paths are trod by many, and other paths are only walked down by the one who is creating it as she walks…but in the end we all get to the same place.

But I do believe in “God”. And in the world my God created, the smallest particle of an atom is equally as important as the biggest star of all the galaxies, and my God does not exist to be praised, to cause suffering, to punish, to prolong a fight that was already predetermined before time existed, or to condemn.

In the world my God created, humans do not exist to rule over the earth, but to participate in it and contribute to its growth.

The God I believe in did not create humankind to serve as pawns in a fight between eternal forces greater than ourselves; in the world my God created, all species co-exist and it is up to each individual species to make a contribution to our own species and to the earth, and if we cannot live in harmony with her than surely we will die.

My God rejoices when two people find love, even if they are of the same “gender”. My God is not offended by foul language but She is offended by those who praise “God” in church and in public, for wealth that was generated off the backs of people who have no choice but to engage in labor that ruins their health, keeps them from their families, keeps them from pursuing their dreams, and doesn’t pay them enough money to have a basic standard of living.

My God is offended by those who claim to walk with Him but beat their wives or their children, manipulate their congregation for money, molest the young, and condemn those who are decided to be “sinful” to hell.

My God is offended by those who use his name to oppress His people. My God created the marvel of the human brain, is enraged by those who would use fear of hell to keep people from using their brains to conceive of and create a better world—even if that means that people question the very existence of God. My God is not offended by those who don’t believe in her presence—She has high self-esteem and a healthy self-image.

My God does not “test” those who seek to be close to her. My God respects your right to define your own destiny, and create your own morality, and she is comfortable maintaining a relationship with you at whatever level you decide.

In the world my God created, life can be whatever we want it to be. It can be something to do until we die. It can be full of passion. It can be full of pain. It can be a work of art. It can be completely different from anyone else’s. It can surpass or fall far short of our expectations.

My God has created a world of endless potential. What is, is not what has to be. We can change ourselves. We can change our lives. We can change the world. We can change the galaxy, and the entirety of existence. My God has created us all of perfect, equal, and unique greatness.

My God exists both inside and outside of all living beings. I am not God, but part of me is.

Finally my God respects your right to follow other Gods.

However, if this isn’t the God you believe in, well, I think my God is better than yours

So anyway. I had a long talk with God. In the bathtub. And I feel good. I feel thankful. I am reminded that I am fully equipped with everything I need, to do everything I want to do and be everything I want to be. And I am thankful. And blessed. And inspired. And focused. And good…

*if you choose to be offended that I have lumped queerness into the same categories as many other things that truly are problematic, that’s not how I meant it. I just mean people are people.*